"I'm Greg Gutfeld along with Kayleigh Mcaneny, Harold Ford Junior, Jesse Watters, and our thanksgiving table is a coaster. Dana Perino. This is the Five."
After dinner, do you go for a walk or take a nap?
Harold: We used to have a great touch football game as kids. Now my kids are getting old enough they would go in the back and do a run around.
Greg: Your life is like one big Newport commercial. A guy throwing a
frisbee, another guy throwing a football.
frisbee, another guy throwing a football.
What song can you not stand to hear one more time?
Greg: Kayleigh, please pick a country music song.
Kayleigh: No! Feliz Navidad. I can't stand it.
Jesse: Because it's Spanish?
Kayleigh: No!
Dana: You walked right into that one.
Jesse: Why do you hate it?
Greg: Do you want to deport Jose Feliciano? Is that what you wanna do? He's an American! And he's blind! But, he can hear everything you're saying!
Kayleigh: I love him!
Greg: You know he watches the Five every day.
Kayleigh: Oh no, I love your music!
Dana: I thought he was blind.
Greg: Well, not watches. He listens. Jeez! Tough crowd!
What is the worst dinner disaster you've had on Thanksgiving?
Greg: I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner. I won't say where, but the woman who was making the meal was an alcoholic and she made spaghetti. Inside the spaghetti was a frozen sausage because she was completely drunk. And then I caught her looking at me in the shower.
What's one holiday food you can't do without?
Greg: Ooh, that's a tough one. Well, a lot of people don't know Arbor Day has a delicacy. It's uh...lard. Yes, and it's the one day a year I just let myself eat as much lard as possible. I get like jars of Crisco, I'll fill up the tub, I'll climb right into it, just waddle in it, smear it in my hair. I'll invite the neighbor dogs in to lick it off my face. It's really amazing.
Dana: That sounds great. What about you, Jesse? It's not specific to Thanksgiving, you're right, Greg. Holiday food.
Jesse: I'm with Harold. A nice Newport. After a meal, right? Right, Harold?
Greg: Play a little frisbee! A little volleyball, Harold?
Does the Christmas tree go up before or after Thanksgiving?
Harold: Christmas lights went up the day after Halloween and the Christmas tree will go up tomorrow. Greg: Where do you get your tree?
Harold: I go to the corner.
Greg: So you're okay with getting a tree at the bodega corner where there are rats living inside the trees?
Harold: Never found one and I've known the guy for a long time. He wouldn't put it there anyways but... Jesse: They rip you off in Manhattan. Have you seen the prices on those trees at the corner? I paid $300 for like a 5-foot tree a couple years ago. And you can go out into the country and get them for like 40 bucks.
Harold: We went cutting trees a few years ago!
Jesse: We were smoking the Newports!
Greg: Wait a minute, I thought you were jewish!
Jesse: We can celebrate Christmas. We celebrate thanksgiving!
Sign off:
Greg: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. It was so nice to spend this time together. I will cherish it forever.
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This was just a fun project I undertook. My favorite parts of The Five's Thanksgiving Special, just transcribed!
Watch below!
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